One evening I was riding
home from Manhattan to Brooklyn and there was a man sitting on a seat
at the very end of the train. Everyone who entered the train moved
away from him quickly. Along with fidgeting and mumbling, he was
wiping yogurt out of a container with his fingers and licking them.
Homeless people ride the
trains. Some of them are cleanish - meaning they looked weathered
but don't smell. They just want a place to sleep. Less often, you
find someone who hasn't bathed in a year, and the smell of urine and
body odor and goodness knows what else is overpowering. Those people
get a car all to themselves.
This particular man was
very unusual. There was something beautiful about him. He looked to
be in his 30s. His face was tanned, but not leathery, and his thick,
black beard reached to his chest.. He was barefoot, but his feet
hadn't calloused. His hands were gentle looking, the nails were
dirty, but not ridged or discolored. His hair was long, curly, and
shiny. His clothes weren't mismatched and raggedy. They were
stained, but looked a bit preppy. I figured him to be off his
meds.
I
knew a woman in New York who took psychotropic drugs. She found it
hard to concentrate and impossible to write while she was taking the
correct dosages. Sometimes she stopped so she could write something
and then she'd get manic, ending up in the psych ward for evaluation.
It seemed like a hellish way to live. Feel nothing or feel crazy.
I don't know how long it
takes to grow a beard down to your chest, but I expect it would take
a few weeks. But he just couldn't be that clean if he'd been
sleeping on the street that long. In fact, I now realize that he
surely had an apartment where that he could shower, change clothes,
and walk out barefoot. If I had realized that at the time, I
wouldn't have done what I did. Which was to take a few dollars out
of my wallet and drop them on the seat next to him when I exited the
train.
Oh boy.
He jumped up and started
screaming at me DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME MONEY as he tore the
money and threw it out the door onto the train platform not far from
where I was standing. Other people hurried away. I stood there
anchored, watching him. He screamed, I'LL KILL YOU!
He didn't move toward me,
and oddly, the look on his face was not anger or malice, but defeat.
I knew he was living a drama that had nothing to do with me and felt
very sad for him. The train door closed and he was gone. I picked
up the money (of course) and went upstairs to the booth to report
that a mentally ill man was having an episode on the train, gave the
car number, and went home.
Three months or so later,
I saw him again. He was on the street in Manhattan. Clean shaved,
hair cut, clean clothes and a pinched look on his gray face. Gone
was the beauty. He saw me and looked ashamed. Again, I felt sad.
There's a point to this
story and it's not that you should be afraid to ride the subway.
That's not a common episode and is only scary if you decide to jump
into a drama and escalate it the wrong way. But something brought
this event to my mind recently and I thought, that man was perfectly
fine sitting there licking his fingers until I decided what he
needed. He didn't ask me or anyone else for money. Even so, when he
got upset, I didn't take it personally, not one bit. I was neither
angry with him, judgmental, nor afraid. Not for one minute did I
think at the time that he was going to hurt me nor did his ranting
effect me except for a little embarrassment in front of others.
Why can't I see all
provocative situations and people that way - whether family, friends,
or strangers? Why can I not just see them as sad, instead of seeing
them as rude, arrogant, or mean? Why do I take it personally and get
my feelings hurt, get angry, or become afraid over silly things? Why
try to prove a point or make them wrong and myself right even if it's
only in my own mind? They are just projecting, expressing,
manifesting their own feelings and until I take it personally, it's
not about me.
Maybe this week, I'll
practice the Four Agreements -
be impeccable with your
word
don't take anything
personally
don't make assumptions
do your best
Maybe next week I'll
practice them again.
[The Four Agreements by
Don Miguel Ruiz: http://ow.ly/pz5V30888Bw]
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